Healing The Feminine

Women’s health is highly stigmatized. Whether we are being told what we can do with our bodies, or being programmed into thinking what our bodies should look like, act like, and feel like. Our health is not only being affected by the lack of support from western medicine, society, and the media but we are also subject to the catastrophic effects of our food system and our environments. Often times we are being targeted to indulge in women’s health products that not only demonize our bodies and its functions but make claims that are idealistic, often impractical and most of the time actually cause detriment to our endocrine system. The list sadly goes on. Add on what us women are subjected to in our lives and it causes a huge disconnect between women and their power. 

Up Close And Personal

Although, all of this is so deeply personal for me to share, my hopes are that it can change perspectives, resonate, be used as a sort of cautionary tale, or allow insight for someone who may be going through similar circumstances. Let’s begin with a quick summary of my vaginal history (FUN!). I’ll start with sharing the more clinical aspects of my health. I was on birth control for eight years. I started at the ripe age of thirteen. I have realized after my experience with birth control that it is definitely not for me. When I got off birth control, I had extremely painful menstrual cramps, heavy bleeding, and PMS. It was so bad that I had to call off work at times. I felt my period was a burden. Although these are just physical ailments, the complete disconnect from our being when thinking negative thoughts around our bodies natural functions strips us from our personal power and the divine feminine within.

In 2014, I realized I was suffering from candidiasis, which is a yeast overgrowth caused by diet. Sugar and gluten dramatically feed candida and cause the fungus to multiply. At the time, I had just became vegan. Not being that healthy of a vegan, unknowingly I was consuming high amounts of sugar and gluten out of lack of knowledge of a proper vegan diet. It became so bad that I was bed ridden at times by the intense amount of pain caused by the symptoms. For knowledge sake, symptoms include: digestive issues, thrush (orally or vaginally), sinus infections, fatigue, reoccurring yeast infections, skin issues, joint pain etc. In 2018, I began an alkaline vegan diet which cured my candidiasis practically within a week but I discontinued the diet because for me, it was a very hard diet to maintain in the environment that I was in and it came back (which happens in a lot of cases) and I still deal with it today but on a lesser scale. 

The Body Holds On…

Moving onto the more spiritual aspects of vaginal health, which is what really interests me on the subject. Women hold their traumas, fears, and childhood tensions in the psoas (SO-az) muscle. One of the largest muscles in the body, it runs through the pelvis to the upper part of the femur. This also is associated with painful menstrual cramps. When the psoas muscle is tight, it pins the uterus down often times causing intense menstrual pain. I have over the span of my lifetime dealt with childhood and sexual traumas. I carried myself during these times of conflict with denial. I thought that I had overcome a lot of these psychological damages but the reality is that what I did not consciously work through, my body unconsciously stored. The physical signs of this had appeared greatly in my body’s functions. Back pain, hip socket tension, leg length discrepancies, knee and ankle problems, groin pain, sleep issues, jaw pain, shoulder pain, difficulty walking or standing, excessive muscle tension, referred back and sciatic pain are several symptoms that can surface in accordance to a pressured psoas muscle. I wasn’t aware of how the body worked in this context so unfortunately for a long time some of  these indications that I was experiencing were ignored. In addition, I can barely remember a time where I wasn’t bloated.

It is no doubt that physiological ailments can and are very likely if untreated to cause physical ailments. I avoided the OBGYN because it was always such an uncomfortable visit for me. Despite this, I began experiencing even more abnormal menstruation so after several years I decided it was time to go in for a check up and maybe a long overdue pap-smear. Over time, my period symptoms got more dramatic. I experienced intense menstrual cramps, long cycles, and bleeding and even tissue discharge between periods. I received a pap-smear, and an ultrasound. I intuitively knew something was wrong because I just felt it. That’s when I discovered that I had what my doctor believed was a uterine polyp and two cysts on my cervix. Uterine polyps are growths that occur in the endometrium, the inner lining of the uterus where the fetus grows. I was told by my doctor that I would need to go into surgery to receive a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp. During the surgery, they discovered four additional growths on my cervix. What was supposed to be a one hour surgery and a couple day recovery ended up being a two hour surgery and an unexpectedly long recovery. During the process, my surgeon accidentally perforated my uterus, which I was told would heal on its own (Lovely!). At the time, it was a bit of a cancer scare because it was unknown whether or not the polyps were actually cancerous tumors. Later tests would prove that the polyps were thankfully benign (yay!).

Taking Ownership Of My Health

Post surgery, I was feeling terrible. I could barely walk, and felt like I was eight months pregnant. The inflammation from the surgery was so severe and I had an intense pain in my right groin area that I had never had before. After a few weeks, I slowly began to feel better and would return to work. However, the pain in my right groin area remained consistent. I went into my OBGYN for a post operational appointment so she could assess some of my concerns. I was basically written off and told that my pain was a symptom of a muscle pull from my position in the operation room and that it would go away in due time (yea... no). No further assessment regarding my pain was ever completed. Extremely frustrated by the lack of support from my OBGYN, I decided to get a second opinion. At my appointment with my new OBGYN after hearing my history, the doctor decided to conduct a uterine exam and during that examination she disclosed to me that there was an abnormality on my right side where I was experiencing the pain and sent me in for a post-op ultrasound. Other than the existing cysts, my ultrasound came back normal and my new OBGYN said that everything seemed fine. I persistently voiced my concerns, and brought up the abnormal uterine exam and she suggested that she conduct exploratory surgery (western medicine for ya!) to figure out what it might be. At this point I was in so much pain and under so much stress because of the pain that I had decided to abstain from sexual intercourse and self pleasure until I was able to work through what my body has experienced. Not only that, but I physically couldn’t enjoy those intimate moments anymore because of the condition not only my vaginal health was in but my mental health. These somewhat preventative issues I was facing took such a extreme toll on my life. I was unfamiliar of the tools I could utilize to take ownership of my health until…

I decided enough and enough. I set the intention that no matter what I would find out what is going on with my body. I opened up to my health coach about these issues and she recommended me to Danu Physical Therapy located here in Brooklyn, NY. I delayed going for a bit because the cost was a little out of my range but I saved up and decided to finally make an appointment. There, I consulted with Michele, a board certified clinical specialist in women’s health and certified pelvic rehabilitation practitioner. After our first session, Michele concluded that my vagina is under traumatic stress and has been for quite some time. The condition my uterus was in pre surgery set myself up for injury during surgery. During the hysteroscopy, at some point, three of my nerves were pinched which has been causing the constant pain I have been experiencing. The pre-existing condition was that my right fallopian tube is twisted as well my cervix is opposing directions. Michele described the setting of my reproductive system as being like when you squeeze water out of a rag. She explained it was so traumatized that it feels as if it’s in this squirming type of position. I was not surprised. This makes sense to me because of all of the psychological and sexual traumas I have endured earlier on. The warping of my reproductive system also caused constriction on my organs in my stomach resulting in additional bloating. This is a clear interpretation of how the psychological can be manifested in the physical. 

Listening And Learning

Now that I understood the mental and physical contributions to my condition, I could finally begin to heal. I came up with a plan to take control of these issues. I utilized Ayurvedic techniques, energy healing, physical therapy, goddess circles, tantra, yoni steaming, psychedelic and amazonian medicine, therapy, ritual, and meditation. In addition, I worked with Michele for about 5 months and can proudly say I am about 85% healed after a total of almost 9 months investing in several different modalities. The intense pain I had felt in my right groin area had dramatically decreased. My length of my period has decreased more than half of what it was, I no longer experience painful menstrual cramps, heavy bleeding, PMS, etc. My period is now synced with the moon cycles and I use it as a time to connect with myself and realize my bodies natural capability to cleanse and heal. I also began working with a channeler (who had no idea the state of my vaginal health in any means) and she discovered I had a dark energy latching onto that exact area in my body. We got deeper into the underlying reasons I was feeling disconnected from my vagina, my sexuality, and my feminine side. I am still in the process of working through traumas and the more metaphysical aspects as I feel that will take some time. Working with my channeler has brought me profound clarity, taught me how to forgive, and also has showed me how I can do the work myself in my own personal way that is true to me. I’ve learned how to express myself through dance and how to connect through kundalini yoga. My meditations have gotten deeper and deeper and I began to receive downloads of information through visuals and telepathy (with the help of plant medicine of course). I’ve now been able to reconnect with a part of myself that allows me to truly step into my power and understand the depth and strength that sacred part of my body holds.

I have to say though, the most beneficial way I have found to truly connect with myself is to just hug myself and speak words of affirmation. I always thought that was so cheesy and wouldn’t work but I was in the bathtub recently and I had set the space intentionally with music, sage, lights etc. and I was laying in this warm water and just decided to talk to my body, specifically my yoni. Telling her to forgive me, to forgive others, to let go, that she’s safe, that she’s protected, and that I love her. Then I just gave myself a big hug. I did this for quite some time. I couldn’t even speak to how long it was for because I went into a deep peaceful meditation without even trying and came out of the hug feeling grounded, connected, and loved. The point is, we know what our body needs. Doctors, practitioners, and healers are just here to guide and support us. At the end of the day you have to feed yourself. It’s just a practice we have to do everyday and remain consistent because our bodies are alive just as well as our minds. Our bodies have a consciousness of their own and they are always listening even when our consciousness decides to ignore.